The Battle of Ethermopylat - By Penguin Overlord

We gave ZeroFive1 the greatest honor of the AMPS--we set him on a funeral pyre and burned him. While his body went up in flames, Kuthulazrah stepped up in front of the crowd of crusaders and said, "In the great book of St. Boris it is written:

'The death that a Crusader meets with at home is censurable. Death on one's bed at home is highly sinful. The man who casts away his bod in battle obtains great glory. He is no man who dies miserably weeping in pain, afflicted by disease and decay, in the midst of crying kinsmen.'

Our Noble and valiant Zerofive1 has met his end on the fields of glory slaying the vile mob penguins and earning himself a place among the chosen at the Fiddlers' Green. May Jick rest his soul."

After the funeral, Mob Penguin Soprano called me on the phone and asked me to come quickly to the Valley of Ethermopylat, due to a situation developing there. I excused myself from the other knights, and traveled there with Al Capone.

The Valley of Ethermopylat is a valley beyond the Valley beyond the Orc Chasm. About 7,000 Rebel Penguins were gathered there, including 300 Penguins of one of my most brilliant generals, Penguidas I.

Penguidas I came up to me and said, "Il Mob Santo has gathered forces near here and is marching towards Mt. McLargeHuge. We built a large wall of Grimacite to block their arrival in the north, so they will be forced to attack from the East, a heavily defensible area. There, the defenses are so strong that their numbers will count for nothing. Their arrival should be soon; we need to prepare to fight."

As soon as Penguidas finished speaking, a horn blew in the distance. It was not an AMPS call, or a Special Forces call. I knew then that it must be Il Mob Santos!

I rallied the penguins, and all was ready. I shouted toward the army, "You are soldiers of Loathing! You will stand your ground, whatever comes through the pass of the East. Remember, this is a sword-day, a red day, ERE THE SUN RISES!!"

The Rebel Penguins roared, and we then saw an attack force of 10,000 Santo Penguins charging towards us.

Despite the fact that we were outnumbered greatly, we fought gloriously. Penguidas I in particular blasted every Santo Penguin that got in his way. Several times he risked his own life to save Rebel Penguins who were about to be clubbed by Santo Penguins' kneecapping sticks. I judged that he had slain 500 Santo Penguins at the end of the day.

At the end of the day, there were only 59 Santo Penguins left, while we had lost only 5 Rebel Penguins. These Santo Penguins fled, and we, who were exhausted by the battle, did not bother to chase them. We rested, in preparation for the coming day.

Late at night, we heard a horn blowing in the distance. However, they were not Il Mob Santo's horns. They were the horns of the AMPS!

Smashery led about 700 AMPS Crusaders and offered to join the fight. Greatly relieved, we thanked him, and bade him rest.

The next day, we got up and prepared for battle. Half an hour after we were prepared for battle, we heard the horn of Il Mob Santo again, and we saw 50,000 Santo Penguins charging at us.

The 101st would later learn that these penguins were the Immortals. They were penguins who were in the most tune with the ascended energy than any other penguins (Besides Asceso) in Il Mob Santo. They were incredibly hard to kill, and they would smash through an ordinary army like rice paper.

However, the 101st were not a normal army. The 101st has been trained in the most advanced battle tactics of this century, and again slain many penguins. In a single, glorious fight, I killed the Uber-Immortal, the strongest of the Immortals.

The Immortals did more damage than the other Santo penguins did, but we only lost about 80 Rebel Penguins and 20 Crusaders, while in contrast they lost 49,990 of the Immortals. Not so Immortal anymore, don't you think?

We rested and got up again for Day 3 of the battle. However, we were waiting for a full hour before we heard the horn of Il Mob Santo again. This time, the full fury of 1,000,000 Santo Penguins came down upon us! Also, they came from the East and the West via a secret path we were not aware of. To make matters worse, Pygoscelis Asceso himself lead them!

We knew then that the end was near. However, Penguidas I shouted, "Overlord, get your penguins out of here! My 300 will hold them back!"

"You crazy nut, you'll be killed!" I shouted back.

"Just do it, we need more forces to fight another day!" Penguidas retorted.

I grudgingly shouted, "Fall back! FALL BACK!!"

The 101st evacuated, but Smashery refused to leave. "I will not abandon a fellow crusader!" he yelled, and launched his division against Il Mob Santo.

Thanks to Penguidas and Smashery, the 101st managed to escape. However, it would be several weeks before we would hear what happened to these brave crusaders. 101st scouts reported that The Valley of Ethermopylat was covered with crusader corpses. All were killed, including Penguidas and Smashery. From what we could tell, they were personally killed by Pygoscelis Asceso.

We mourned these two brave warriors like none other, and we would remember the 300 with honor, passing the story of their incredible heroism to our children, and they would pass it down to their children, for many generations to come.